The Trouble with Paranoia

23-March 2010

I can’t sleep.

I’ve got two jobs. An apartment to maintain, laundry, ironing, cleaning up… I should be exhausted. I should be able to sleep the moment I lay down on bed. And yet since I transferred here less than 3 weeks ago, I’ve never had one peaceful slumber. I toss and turn most of the night. I’d wake up if I hear a slight noise. I feel like a total wreck at night.

I get these varying morbid fantasies about people breaking in and then killing me. It almost feels like it’s going to happen.

I’m in the middle of a very strange and remote place, where most people would stare at me and watch me walk out of the apartment in the morning and then come back in the afternoon. Most of them probably knows that I live all alone by now.

I wish I have a better option. I wish I have someone right now who’d tell me that everything’s going to be fine.